The following appeared in the Dallas Morning News on April 24, 2007. I've seen parents accidently and intentionally draw their children in the middle of many a dispute. In the end, it is always the children that lose. The point to be made here is that children are not pawns to be used in a dispute; the parents need to rise above this level of behavior. It may seem unfair and at time it will be unjust but the welfare of the children always has to come first.
It's no contest: Put kids first in divorce, or everybody loses
Father of the Year Alec Baldwin, who left a bullying rant on his daughter's voice mail last week, has come up with an apology, sort of – he's sorry he lost his temper. But you don't have to be Freud to realize that the real target of his rage was ex-wife Kim Basinger. I care nothing for these people, care nothing for divorcing celebrities who wish to behave like howling savages in public in order to score points off one another. I'm awfully fed up, though, with those who rushed to pick a side between these two rich, spoiled fools. "Nobody should talk to a child like that, but she shouldn't have leaked the tape," or "She shouldn't have leaked the tape, but this just proves how crazy he is."
But nothing.
If these people are too uncivilized to put the interests of the child they profess to love ahead of their own deathless spite, they're not qualified to be parents. Poor Ireland Baldwin, yanked back and forth like a slobbery bone, might be better off if they left her in the woods to be raised by wolves. Wolves, at least, usually take care of the kids before they tear each other to pieces.
Closer to home, a Richardson man named Gerald Reed took this revenge-over-everything philosophy to its terminal extreme the weekend before last: He shot his two daughters while they slept, then killed himself. The 13-year-old, who miraculously survived, is slowly recovering. Her 6-year-old sister is dead. But, boy, he sure showed the ex-wife who was in charge, didn't he? Nothing meant more to Gerald Reed than vengeance – and he got what he wanted. In an interview, this evil man's brother plaintively claimed that Mr. Reed was "not a monster," and that he must have been motivated by a fear of losing his children. Yet his last actions on this earth proved that his wounded sensibilities meant more to him than his own children's lives.
Most divorces don't lead to violence and murder, of course. But in too many cases, the adults, the ostensible protectors, put their own feelings ahead of the kids' well-being. They one-up each other in a hypercompetitive, never-ending arms race over who's "right," which benefits nobody and makes innocent children miserable. They turn their own kids into weapons.
Perhaps family court judges should mandate that all divorcing parents sit down and watch the movie Irreconcilable Differences. It's a dated (1984) tearjerker with has-been actors and a paper-thin plot, but it neatly encapsulates the unlovely spectacle of adults too self-absorbed to notice how their behavior is affecting their child. The way they treat each other makes the Sharks and the Jets look as chummy as lodge brothers.
It doesn't have to be that way. I have met people, mothers and fathers who probably don't have much more use for one another than do most divorced couples, who really have managed to put the kids first. A family I met in Plano, for instance, decided that the kids would keep the house. The two sons keep their own rooms, their own pets, their own school and friends; it's the parents who shuttle between homes, taking it in turns to live with the boys.
Other couples at least manage to maintain a surface friendship and a cooperative working relationship, recognizing that they share the experience of joint parenthood for life. I have a lot of admiration for people who endure the far-from-ennobling experience of divorce with a primary goal of minimizing its most painful aspects not for themselves, but for their offspring. Divorce is a rough ride, and it's a crying shame that, in so many cases, the children suffer more than they have to.
People who feel they have been wronged are anxious to air their feelings, to bicker endlessly over what's "fair." They don't set out to behave badly, but they can't stop trying to "win" an unwinnable contest, can't stop saying, "Yes, but..." It might be helpful if more of them could make the mutual decision to cede the advantage not to one or the other, but to their children. It might even help them, in the end, feel better about themselves and their own behavior.
I can't think of anything fairer than that.
Social Studies
What is a Social Study? Will I need one in my case? I have heard of psychological evaluations being ordered in divorce cases, will I need to submit to one?
When conservatorship or access to children is not agreed to by the parties, a social study is a vehicle used by courts to investigate the circumstances of you, your spouse, and your children. Many courts will appoint a third party, usually a social worker, to investigate your and your spouse’s residence, place of employment, and your children educational, emotional, and physical circumstances. At the conclusion of this investigation, the social worker will prepare a report that will be submitted to the court and your attorney. The report can contain a recommendation for the conservatorship and access to your child or children
Courts can also require a psychological evaluation of you, your spouse, and your children if the circumstances dictate. Such an evaluation may be warranted when there are allegations of abuse and neglect of the parties or the children. Many times the court will order an evaluation when the mental health of the parties is made an issue. A court appointed psychologist will consult with and test the parties and children (if ordered by the court). A report will be prepared and submitted to the court and your and your spouse’s attorney.
If a social study or psychological evaluation is ordered in your case, your attorney will give you specific information on how to prepare for these evaluations, and the costs involved.